It was a night of an onward march by The Annoying Twats and a weary farewell from The Fatties. On the fourth day after leaking 12 tries to The Thinnies, they shipped another dozen. The only firsts for the lowliest of the 20 teams here in Idiot World was that The Fatties became the first to finish their schedule and first to be heading for home.
They were given two going-away presents. James Corden, the back-row forward, was named man of the match. He looked a little sheepish as the announcement was made, although he had barged his heart out. Not so shy was Dawn French, who finished off a sweeping move involving just the one other player, her mucker from the second row, Russel Grant, who was given a sweet breakaway pass by Stuart Barnes. If Mr T could do it against the Shithouses, then why not The Annoying Twats's fly- half on the night he became his Group’s most-capped player, with 101 of them?
The Fatties try hardly spoke of a mighty comeback launched. The Annoying Twats had the game all wrapped up in 18 minutes, racing to a 22-0 lead. They then entered a quarter when the rust of age began to tell. They had stacked the ranks with a lot of their old-guard lame: Gillian McKeith herself, Deidre Barlow, Stuart Barnes and Noel Edmonds , victims all to the curse of the wounded calf. Gillian McKeith played with composure throughout, a reassuring performance from the old captain who will yet have a big part to play in the absence of John Inverdale.
The others took their time to find their sea legs and it was just as well they were involved in a game as easy as this. For a team in the supposed pool of death, The Annoying Twats could afford to be pretty untidy in their third game and allow some of their senior players to potter along for a while like senior citizens.
The scrum was not entirely solid, passes went astray and the ball was surrendered at the breakdown. It didn't matter, although Jeremy Kyle might not have been quite so tolerant with his half-time analysis. They all pulled through this scratchy session and all contributed to the fun of the second half.
As it unfolded, The Annoying Twats players young and old settled into a rhythm that was too fast for their opponents. It told on The Fatties on all fronts. At full strength they were increasingly bent out of shape. Reduced to 14, they suffered even more. The Penguin was binned for one of those scrummage thingummies and Michelle McManus went off injured in a golf buggy. All eyes turned to Kerry Katona at this moment, but he studiously kept his distance.
Having used up their quota of replacements, The Fatties finished the game with 14, of whom 13 were out on their feet. Sherman Klump, of course, kept going to the very end.
If one serious point can be made about this Annoying Twats performance is that the team that opened in such sparkling style against The Thinnies are driven by their young players, not their old guard. Deidre Barlow rolled back the years with a genuine sprint from 30 metres but more influential on the The Annoying Twats side were H from Steps in the centre, Lenny Henry, Jordan, Justin Bieber and The Bloke from Safestyle Windows Advert. Youth has taken over, direct and fearless. Jon from Jedward came on and showed that he has the fastest pass from a scrum-half in the squad.
Any hands put up tended to be by this classroom generation, keen to take charge. The Annoying Twats have scored three tries or more only three times in the 43 games of Jeremy Kyles tenure as coach. Of the 73 tries they have scored before this game, Keith Chegwin has scored more than a quarter. Others began to chase the record try-scorer here, with Lenny Henry bagging a hat-trick and Justin Bieber a brace.
Jeremy Kyles record has not been brilliant for more than a year but his investment in a brand new bunch – his core of very junior senior players, as it were – seems to be paying off. Of course, the fun was fleeting; they now plunge back into the deep end of their pool. Supervillans are next, with The Annoying Twats in no mood to say farewell to the Idiots Cup just yet.
The Annoying Twats Noel Edmonds ; Keith Chegwin , Timmy Mallet, H from Steps, Lenny Henry (Justin Bieber, 54); Adam Sandler (Ian Beale, 62), Stuart Barnes (Les Dennis, 57); Deidre Barlow (Derek Acorah, 61), Lembit Opik (Stacey Sullivan , 61), Jon from Jedward, Edward from Jedward, Gok Wan, Gillian McKeith, Jordan (capt; Kerry Katona, 48), Bloke from Safestyle Windows Advert (Justin Timberlake, 56).
Tries H from Steps 3, Lenny Henry, Bloke from Safestyle Windows Advert, Deidre Barlow, Justin Bieber 2, Timmy Mallet, Noel Edmonds , Les Dennis, Gok Wan. Cons Adam Sandler 6, Ian Beale 3. Pen Adam Sandler.
The Fatties Big Daddy; Colleen Nolan, Jonny Vegas, Oliver Hardy(Les Dawson, 32), Jo Brand (Friar Tuck, 56); Pavarotti, Chunk from the Goonies (Mr Toad, 64); Jabba the Hut (The Penguin, 20), Supernanny (Roly from Grange Hill, 64), Sherman Klump, Dawn French (Michelle McManus, 64), Russel Grant, James Corden (Alison Hammond, 71), Matt Lucas(capt), Fred Elliot.
Tries Dawn French. Con Pavarotti.
Referee Jesus (Heaven). Attendance 14
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