The Annoying Twats XV vs Fatties XV

It was a night of an onward march by The Annoying Twats and a weary farewell from The Fatties. On the fourth day after leaking 12 tries to The Thinnies, they shipped another dozen. The only firsts for the lowliest of the 20 teams here in Idiot World was that The Fatties became the first to finish their schedule and first to be heading for home.

They were given two going-away presents. James Corden, the back-row forward, was named man of the match. He looked a little sheepish as the announcement was made, although he had barged his heart out. Not so shy was Dawn French, who finished off a sweeping move involving just the one other player, her mucker from the second row, Russel Grant, who was given a sweet breakaway pass by Stuart Barnes. If Mr T could do it against the Shithouses, then why not The Annoying Twats's fly- half on the night he became his Group’s most-capped player, with 101 of them?

The Fatties try hardly spoke of a mighty comeback launched. The Annoying Twats had the game all wrapped up in 18 minutes, racing to a 22-0 lead. They then entered a quarter when the rust of age began to tell. They had stacked the ranks with a lot of their old-guard lame: Gillian McKeith herself, Deidre Barlow, Stuart Barnes and Noel Edmonds , victims all to the curse of the wounded calf. Gillian McKeith played with composure throughout, a reassuring performance from the old captain who will yet have a big part to play in the absence of John Inverdale.

The others took their time to find their sea legs and it was just as well they were involved in a game as easy as this. For a team in the supposed pool of death, The Annoying Twats could afford to be pretty untidy in their third game and allow some of their senior players to potter along for a while like senior citizens.

The scrum was not entirely solid, passes went astray and the ball was surrendered at the breakdown. It didn't matter, although Jeremy Kyle might not have been quite so tolerant with his half-time analysis. They all pulled through this scratchy session and all contributed to the fun of the second half.

As it unfolded, The Annoying Twats players young and old settled into a rhythm that was too fast for their opponents. It told on The Fatties on all fronts. At full strength they were increasingly bent out of shape. Reduced to 14, they suffered even more. The Penguin was binned for one of those scrummage thingummies and Michelle McManus went off injured in a golf buggy. All eyes turned to Kerry Katona at this moment, but he studiously kept his distance.

Having used up their quota of replacements, The Fatties finished the game with 14, of whom 13 were out on their feet. Sherman Klump, of course, kept going to the very end.

If one serious point can be made about this Annoying Twats performance is that the team that opened in such sparkling style against The Thinnies are driven by their young players, not their old guard. Deidre Barlow rolled back the years with a genuine sprint from 30 metres but more influential on the The Annoying Twats side were H from Steps in the centre, Lenny Henry, Jordan, Justin Bieber and The Bloke from Safestyle Windows Advert. Youth has taken over, direct and fearless. Jon from Jedward came on and showed that he has the fastest pass from a scrum-half in the squad.

Any hands put up tended to be by this classroom generation, keen to take charge. The Annoying Twats have scored three tries or more only three times in the 43 games of Jeremy Kyles tenure as coach. Of the 73 tries they have scored before this game, Keith Chegwin has scored more than a quarter. Others began to chase the record try-scorer here, with Lenny Henry bagging a hat-trick and Justin Bieber a brace.

Jeremy Kyles record has not been brilliant for more than a year but his investment in a brand new bunch – his core of very junior senior players, as it were – seems to be paying off. Of course, the fun was fleeting; they now plunge back into the deep end of their pool. Supervillans are next, with The Annoying Twats in no mood to say farewell to the Idiots Cup just yet.

The Annoying Twats Noel Edmonds ; Keith Chegwin , Timmy Mallet, H from Steps, Lenny Henry (Justin Bieber, 54); Adam Sandler (Ian Beale, 62), Stuart Barnes (Les Dennis, 57); Deidre Barlow (Derek Acorah, 61), Lembit Opik (Stacey Sullivan , 61), Jon from Jedward, Edward from Jedward, Gok Wan, Gillian McKeith, Jordan (capt; Kerry Katona, 48), Bloke from Safestyle Windows Advert (Justin Timberlake, 56).

Tries H from Steps 3, Lenny Henry, Bloke from Safestyle Windows Advert, Deidre Barlow, Justin Bieber 2, Timmy Mallet, Noel Edmonds , Les Dennis, Gok Wan. Cons Adam Sandler 6, Ian Beale 3. Pen Adam Sandler.

The Fatties Big Daddy; Colleen Nolan, Jonny Vegas, Oliver Hardy(Les Dawson, 32), Jo Brand (Friar Tuck, 56); Pavarotti, Chunk from the Goonies (Mr Toad, 64); Jabba the Hut (The Penguin, 20), Supernanny (Roly from Grange Hill, 64), Sherman Klump, Dawn French (Michelle McManus, 64), Russel Grant, James Corden (Alison Hammond, 71), Matt Lucas(capt), Fred Elliot.

Tries Dawn French. Con Pavarotti.

Referee Jesus (Heaven). Attendance 14

MARKHAM RFC 17 POINTS BEAUFORT RFC 22 POINTS

MARKHAM RFC 17 POINTS BEAUFORT RFC 22 POINTS

With both teams on maximum league points this was bound to have enough edge and steel in the contest to make it a compelling encounter and it lived up to all expectations. It wasn't until the last minute of play that Beaufort, already with a bonus point in the bag from four tries,
could let out a huge sigh of relief leaving the home side with a losing bonus point.

Beaufort began well attacking thrillingly from their own territory and were soon on the score sheet . Slick handling by their three quarters created the space
on the right flank for wing Kyle Purnell to race through for a try straight out of the text book. Lewis Hodson's wide angled conversion struck the cross bar but bounced over for a 7 point lead. Minutes later they came close to scoring again being stopped just short by a resolute Markham defence.

Then after ten minutes of play the referee sent a Markham player to the sin bin and showed a red card to his opposite number for retaliation. Beaufort had to pit themselves for the most of the match with fourteen men against a determined buoyed up host side. Despite superiority in numbers Markham could only manage a single penalty before the break . However , the penalty count was an issue in this match ; an unprecedented 20 to 4 against Beaufort. They were fortunate that Markham failed to exploit this advantage to the full.

When the next score came it was from Beaufort. A breakout out by fullback Hodson was finished off out wide with precision for a splendid try by Matthew Burrows.

This was quickly followed by another,an arguably the best try of the encounter. Beaufort attacked from deep and a wonderfully weighted pass from Chris Morris found Hodson, who cut a suberb angle at pace to notch up Beaufort's a third try and 17 point to 3 lead.

Beaufort then got themselves in trouble again with a sin binning offence reducing their number still further to 13. On this occasion Markham took full advantage and
despite herculean efforts by a robust Beaufort defence, the host side eventually crashed over their first try. From the the touchline Markham slotted over the conversion.

.But jubilation in their ranks was soon muted . From the restart a clearance kick was charged down by Beaufort's omnipotent flanker Andrew Morgan who collected the loose ball to off load into the waiting hands of Aaron Thomson. The hooker took his chance to scamper over in the corner to score Beaufort's fourth and bonus point try.

Beaufort's scoreline was improved to 22 points to 10 but they failed to nail their conversions and in the last quarter the lead did not sit easy with them.
They were continually punished sometimes harshly for technical offences in the scrummage and the line out thereby sacrificing hard fought territorial gains which kept them encamped in their 22. A Markham attack and some superb handling skills by an impressive centre partnership got them a second try and with the converion brought them within 5 points of the lead. With eight minutes of injury time being played the raucous atmosphere around King Georges Field from both sets of supporters reached boiling point as they urged on their teams. But Beaufort kept their nerve to hold out for a deserved win.

Beaufort's outstanding player on the day was Aron Thompson richly deserving the accolade of being Beaufort man of the match.

Old Eastenders vs New Eastenders

Old Eastenders (10) 17

Tries: Angie Watts, Wellard

Cons: Ethel Skinner 2

Pen: Ethel Skinner

Current Eastenders(6) 16

Tries: Janine Butcher

Cons: Bianca Butcher

Pens: Bianca Butcher 3

Reigning Fictional XV Cup Holders Old Eastenders survived a huge scare in their defence opener as Current Eastenders ran them close in Walford.

Eddie Moon’s side took a 16-10 lead after 54 minutes through their only try, by Janine Butcher.

But Wellard's try and Ethel Skinner’s conversion killed Current Eastenders hopes.

Wellard's was one of two Old Eastenders tries, Angie Watts going over early on while Ethel Skinner and Bianca Butcher kicked the rest of their side's points.

The pre-match hype belonged to a Current Eastenders team never shy of expressing confidence that they could compete on equal terms with the Old Eastenders in the wake of recent history.

But the opening minutes belonged to “Dirty” Den Watts ' side as they launched an efficient, try-building attack that belied Old Eastenders's reputation as masters of kick-and-chase.

Instead from Alfie Moon's kick-off, the ball moved through numerous hands and after a brief break for a scrum, the assault continued until Angie Watts fended off Ian Beale and Bianca Butcher to score at the corner.

The move featured a rare, but crucial missed tackle on “Dirty” Den Watts by Current Eastenders captain Ricky Butcher.

Ethel Skinner added the conversion from the touchline to underline her side's confident start.

Much of the rest of the 2007 champions' opening period tactics reverted to the type that Eddie Moon predicted.

But if the Old Eastenders approach was familiar, so was Current Eastenders' as they attempted to keep ball in hand to move Old Eastenders's forwards around the field as much as possible.

Ethel Skinner kicked a penalty in the 19th minute after Kat Moon went offside at a ruck.

Current Eastenders' reward for their efforts, however, was not the try they hoped for, but two Bianca Butcher penalties, the second after Arthur Fowler's high tackle on Max Branning.

Bianca Butcher also had a penalty overruled in the opening period, referee Deidre Barlow adjudging it had gone wide although TV replays suggested it may have drifted in.

At the back Bianca Butcher and Carol Jackson suffered occasional wobbles under Old Eastenders's aerial barrage while up front both sides won scrum penalties and the line-out contest was also fairly even.

However, Current Eastenders were on top at the breakdown for large periods while the Old Eastenders could boast a capable defence as they went into the break 10-6 ahead.

Pauline Fowler’s side began the second half with the same attacking intent as the first, but on this occasion Ricky Butcher was equal to the challenge, stripping the Old Eastenders captain of the ball and forcing a penalty.

At the other end Ian Beale' dash down the left set up a superb attacking platform five metres from the line.

But a poor Max Branning pass and Janine Butcher's snatched attempt at taking it killed the opportunity.

Having lost centre “Dirty” Den Watts , replaced by Grant Mitchell, to injury in the opening period, veteran lock Pat Butcher departed after Current Eastenders' early attack came to nothing.

If that was a boost, what followed lifted Current Eastenders hopes to pre-match levels.

Dot Cottons charge into the heart of the defence set up a ruck from which Max Branning sent Walford-born number eight Janine Butcher over for try confirmed by the video referee.

As befitted the reigning champions, they took the game back to Current Eastenders, drawing another penalty from Kat Moon.

But the Old Eastenders spurned the penalty shot at goal, instead launching an attack from a line-out that took them back into the lead only 11 minutes after Janine Butcher's score.

Wellard, on as a replacement for Carol Jackson, finished off the gamble with an unopposed burst through what remained of the Current Eastenders defence and Ethel Skinner added the conversion to put them a point ahead.

Current Eastenders' response was equally impressive in its construction, but ended with Alfie Moon Butchering his drop-goal attempt from in front of the posts.

Moments later Wellard conceded a penalty for holding on after the Old Eastenders tried to counter-attack from Alfie Moon's superb touch-finder.

But from a wide angle, Bianca Butcher could not hit the mark and when Kat Moon was caught on the margins of offside from a scrum, the Old Eastenders opted for the line-out and ground out the final minutes to secure victory.

Old Eastenders		Current Eastenders
Barry Evans	1	Heather Trott
Pauline Fowler	2	Phil Mitchell
Sonia Jackson	3	Mo Harris
Martin Fowler	4	Shirley Carter
Kathy Beale	5	Pat Butcher
Nick Cotton	6	Kat Moon
Archie Mitchell	7	Ricky Butcher
Frank Butcher	8	Janine Butcher
Peggy Mitchell	9	Max Branning
Ethel Skinner	10	Alfie Moon
Little Mo Slater	11	Carol Jackson
Grant Mitchell	12	Dot Cotton
“Dirty” Den Watts.	13	Tanya Branning
Arthur Fowler	14	Ian Beale
Angie Watts	15	Bianca Butcher
Grant Mitchell	16	Billy Mitchell
Wellard	17	Zanir Massood
Tiffany Mitchell	18	Whitney Dean
Mark Fowler	19	Jean Slater
Michelle Fowler	20	Michael Bianca Butcher
Charlie Slater	21	Jim Branning
Cindy Beale	22	Roxy Mitchell
Lou Beale	Manager	Eddie Butcher